Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

Today is Friday. That means we’ve had almost a full week of ‘normal’. No sickness, no medication, no tears; it feels good. No, it feels GREAT!!

Since Benjamin’s birth, I have been leery of babies. Scared to hold them. I didn’t want the flood gates of tears to overwhelm me, and the poor dear momma of the baby I was holding. But I did it. Yesterday I met my best friends newest little, and I survived. I didn’t break down, I didn’t even cry. It was healing. I loved feeling her soft skin, holding her swaddled little body. One thing they don’t tell you with a baby lost as early as Benjamin, it that his skin wasn’t normal. It was kind of sticky. I wanted to caress him, but couldn’t. His skin wasn’t smooth. So feeling this little girls skin helped fix that need to caress a baby. Although, I have to admit, I am a bit jealous. But then again, maybe not. I LOVE sleep. Ha! :)

But this peace I have, it’s supernatural. It is beautiful. I can’t explain it, but loosing Benjamin hasn’t destroyed me. I am devastated over his loss, but I’m not broken.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as a shield. – Psalms 5:11-12

I came across this verse this morning. I am in His covering. I feel shielded. It puts a smile on my face.

But the verse I really wanted to talk about this morning is one most every Christian knows, well, at least the 2 previous verses. I’m talking about Lamentations 3:22-23.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Most stop here, because let’s face it, how beautiful is it that the Lord gives us a fresh start EVERY SINGLE MORNING!? I think this is so refreshing as a stay-at-home-homeschooling mom. But don’t stop there. Read verse 24:

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

I love that it says the LORD is my PORTION. He is all I need. He is my hope. He will sustain me on the good days, and hold me tight on the bad. He is hope. Hope for the weary soul. Hope for the grieving, the happy, the sad, anyone! We serve an Awesome God! But the question is, do you?

I want you to know, I welcome any questions about Benjamin. I love to talk about him. I may cry, so be prepared, I may not, which means I’m having a good day. :) I hate being a mood killer, the room silencer, you know? Anyways…

I’ll leave you with this last verse. Praying for all of you as you come across my mind.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:7

Benjamin Andrew

December 17, 2015… December 17. Our lives changed that day, and we were met with one of the worst days of our lives…

But let’s go back…

We excitedly found out in September that we were expecting baby #4. I’ll admit, I was a little shocked, because I didn’t feel pregnant at all when I took the test, but it was positive. And it was a pretty easy pregnancy, none of the morning sickness that I experienced with the other 3, just a little more tired than usual. Hey, I’m not complaining. Everything was going great with the pregnancy, heart beat was perfect, baby’s growth was right where it was supposed to be; nothing to indicate the struggle we were about to face.

Now back to December 17th…

This was the day of our normal 18 week ultrasound. I was leery going in, a nagging feeling like this was going to be like the one with Silas, that something wasn’t going to be quite right. I tried to shove the feeling back down, trying to be optimistic. We we’re called back, and the tech started out like normal. We didn’t want to find out what we we’re having, deciding to be surprised. (I’m mean, we have 3 boys, what else would we make!) We saw the baby’s legs, feet, hands, arms, and finally the baby’s head and face. He was perfect from what we could tell. Then the tech went to look for the heartbeat. But she was swift, her demeanor changed. Big red flag. Then she stopped. She told us quickly as she was cleaning up that the baby was too small to continue, and she needed to ask the radiologist if she should. Bigger red flag. As we sat in the room waiting for her to come back, we didn’t have a clue as to what the next 36 hours were going to look like. She came back, and repeated that the baby was too small to continue, and that my doctor would call within a few hours to go over the results of the work she had done. We left, and as Paul was driving to take him to work so I could have the car, I think in my mind I knew what had happened, but I didn’t want to face it, I prayed it wasn’t true. On the drive home from Paul’s office, I got the call, but I didn’t hear my phone ring. As soon as I pulled into the driveway, Tari (the nurse practitioner I like to see) called again. She said that our baby had died, we need to come in to the office as soon as we could get there. So here I am, on the front porch, not even being able to unlock the front door, before the news knocked me to my knees. I couldn’t breath. How could this be? I just heard his heartbeat 2 weeks ago. What was happening?? The next call was to Paul. So much shock. Who wants to tell their husband that the baby you are carrying has died? I hate that phone call. I needed Paul here with me, to help pick myself up. But he wasn’t there, I had drive back to the office and get Paul up so I didn’t have to face the doctors office alone. That was too scary. I didn’t want to walk into a waiting room filled with round bellies indicating life like mine no longer held. Two words that will forever change your life…

Fetal demise.

I hate those words. Yup, that’s twice I’ve used that word. Hate. It says a lot. It is a very powerful word, and I don’t use it lightly.

We (the doctor) came up with a plan to deliver our baby. I was sent home with a prescription to induce labor, with instructions to go to the hospital when things started getting serious. She (the doctor) said we didn’t have to rush, and I could start the medication when I was ready, but then called later that evening wanting to know if I had started it, and if things we’re happening. I hadn’t. I didn’t want to. I cried as I took that first pill. In my mind, taking that first one was giving up hope that everyone was wrong, that the baby inside of me was still alive and thriving. I wanted to be in denial. I didn’t want it to be true. We sent the boys to my parents house for the night, but I wanted them with me, something little to hold on to, yet I wanted to protect them from all of the hurt and pain of loosing a sibling.

When the doctor called that evening we were told that she had scheduled an induction with the hospital the following morning at 5 if nothing had happened before then. So that night, alarms we’re going off, one for the labor medication, every 4 hours, and one to get to the hospital on time. My contractions started around 1 am. Not bad, really, but I didn’t get any sleep. I think shock, denial, and pain can do that to a person. Anyways, off to the hospital we went to have our so much wanted, but coming home with us baby. (this was supposed to be happening in May, not December)

On December 18th, at 10:47 pm, I delivered our little boy. Our Benjamin Andrew. He was just 4 ounces, 7 inches long. He was perfect. He was far too small to be out of the womb, yet here he was, and he fit in the palm of our hands. Paul and I had the privilege of holding our sweet little boy, loving him the best way we could, knowing goodbye would be coming way too soon. How do you say goodbye to someone you just met, yet love with every ounce of your being? But that’s what we we’re asked to do. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it. Handing him to the nurse for the last time was devastating. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted him for forever. But God is good ALL of the time. He knew this road we are walking.

We have pictures of our little man, still on the camera. I can’t bring myself to download them and look at them. The nurse, Kelsi, was able to get foot prints and hand prints, of which I am so thankful for. We have so many tangible things to remember Benjamin. But it’s not the same. The drive home was agonizing. That’s the only way to describe it. You leave a hospital WITH a baby, not an empty backseat.

Pathology showed that there was a blood clot in the cord that cut off everything Benjamin needed to live. The doctor said that he didn’t struggle nor was in pain. Nothing could have prevented his death. There was nothing any one could have done to fix it.



I have such great hope that we will see Benjamin again. I know it. He is in heaven. We will one day be reunited again. He is whole, complete, without sin. He won’t ever have to know the hurt of this world. How joyous is that?! He will never have to struggle! What more could a parent want? But my earthly being and mindset selfishly wants him here, with me. Who would he have looked like, what color were his eyes? Would he have been tall like Matthew, or built like T or Si? I want to know the sound of his laughter, hear him say ‘I love you mommy”, watch him learn to walk, dogpile on the kitchen floor with his brothers, and feel his little body against mine. This is where I struggle the most. Some days are good, some are not so good. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most nights I can’t get to sleep. I know this will pass, and things will get better.

We had many friends come and see us, pray over us, text, and love us. With out them, showing Christ’s love, reminding us of His grace, we wouldn’t have been able to get through that day. They held us up, when we couldn’t. And I am forever grateful.

Benjamin’s birth and life have taught me how to trust in a new way. Trust in what God has planned for our future. To trust in God himself more. Benjamin’s life has drawn me closer to God. He is the One that will carry me from day to day. With out Him, I am nothing. I don’t deserve to be Benjamin’s mom, or the others, for that matter. I am a sinner saved by grace alone. These little lives are on loan to me, and I am learning to cherish every moment I can.

So, I’m officially a mom of 4 boys, but 1 lives in heaven, and I envy him. :)

Happy #2!!

Oh, Timothy, where do I start…

You, my dear boy, are a crack up! Even when you are pouting! (Don’t tell Daddy I said that!) :) You have a great joy for life, and absolutely love anything that is VeggieTales. Right now you are sitting in your favorite stroller in the living room watching VeggieTales Live, eating chocolate chip pancakes, singing on the top of your lungs. Yes, singing. You can hardly talk, but you sure do love to sing. I love when I lay you down for a nap, you sing yourself to sleep. Everyday you find a way to make this Momma smile.

If someone were to have told me that at 2 you would still be the biggest Momma’s boy, I wouldn’t have believed them. But, it’s true. Secretly, I love it, don’t ever, ever, ever grow out of it!! 😉

You are your brother’s biggest fan, and I love that you walk up to Matthew and give him the biggest hug you can, and even try to shush him when he is being a bit loud. You love to watch Matthew play the Wii, and even try to help him out in your own special way.

What can I say, I am so in love with you little man! You have such a great personality, and I look forward to see how God uses and develops your special gifts for His glory.

Happy Birthday! Mommy & Daddy love you!!!



And Finally, Pictures!!!

Sorry it took so long. I’d like to say that we’ve been really busy, but that’s just not the case. My pride was in the way and I wanted the house to look perfect for all the pictures I was going to take. Reality hit. With 2 little ones, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, the house will look like a tornado blew through within 2 minutes of me picking up. Then I realized, this is who we are, this is what the house will look like if friends or family stop by. So, I am swallowing my pride, so I can finally show off our new house digitally. Enjoy!

Our walk-in pantry (that I absolutely love!!)

Our HUGE kitchen

This is the wall next to the pantry in the kitchen

My desk area

Our dining room complete with after dinner mess and left over birthday decorations! 😉

Living room

Fire place, Can’t wait to snuggle up with a cup of coffee on Christmas with the fire a blazin’

Another shot of the dining room

The not so interesting hall…

Paul’s office (and Matthew helping him play Star Wars)

The boy’s room (Matthew picked out the color all by himself)

Master bath (one of two rooms we didn’t do anything too)

Master bedroom (surprise! I actually got the bed made!!)

These 2 windows are my favoritest part of our room. During the day, they let so much light in. :)

It’s about time!!

So this post is long overdue…WE HAVE A HOUSE!!!

And we love it! And it all happened so quickly. Looking back now, and all the little snags that came up, I can see that is all the Lords work that we are living in our dream house. It still feels like a dream, like I’ll wake up one morning and be back at the apartment. I love knowing that’s not going to happen! :)

The boys seem to love the house as much as we do. We keep asking Matthew if he wants to go back to 816 (which was our apartment number) and he freaks out if he gets any kind on inkling that we will move back. It’s a parents job to mess with the kids every now and then! :)

Pictures soon, I promise! (I still need to take them!)

1 year old

To my dearest Timothy,

How is it that you are turning one already?!? Wasn’t it yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital?? Even from the first ultra sound, I knew you would have a funny personality, and boy is it true! Right down to the grin you give me when we are being silly, to the sad little pouty face you make when you are being disciplined. You even have an undeniable devotion to your big brother. You are always looking for him when you want to play, and you are the first one to try to get Matthew to smile and laugh when he is in trouble or just sad. You are the biggest Mama’s boy, not that I’m complaining! I love how your face lights up as soon as you see me, and your silly little wiggle when you get excited. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you! Just don’t grow up too fast, and I promise not to blink. Soon, my son, we will be able to celebrate you with all of our friends and family, until then, we will celebrate you tomorrow, just the four of us. I love you little one, my bug-a-boo!









User Error

So, I thought my blog was broken…but as usual, when I get some help, it works. :) So here is an updated pic of Timothy until I can get my camera downloaded. Enjoy!IMG_4901

Realizations, Denial, & Gut-wrenching Thankfulness

This past week a friend posted a video on Facebook about a little baby girl that was born full term but didn’t have a heartbeat and wasn’t breathing. The doctors were about to give up on her, about 20 minutes after her birth, when miraculously her heart started beating. They rushed her off to the NICU to do everything else they could do to save her little life, but they we’re not expecting her to live through the night. Well, she made it. She survived. The doctors found out that during the beginning stages of labor, there was a rupture in the placenta, and the baby wasn’t getting any oxygenated blood. Because of this, the doctors thought this little girl would have major brain damage because she went so long with out the needed blood to keep her alive, but an MRI showed no brain damage what so ever. She is truly a miracle only God could give.

Anyone who knows me, know that I would be balling watching this video, and yes, I was, but for a completely different reason. All I could see watching this video is that this could have been us. This REALIZATION brought me to my knees like nothing has before. I realized I was in DENIAL over our pregnancy, and the seriousness of it. I somehow believed that everything would be ok. God wouldn’t to anything to take our baby, would he? Looking back now, I am ashamed. I didn’t pray. I didn’t pray to save my baby’s life. I had certain expectations, and they were going to happen. How stubborn was I? How unfaithful? How ignorant? I was so annoyed at having to be on bed rest, changing my routine, looking forward to the end of the pregnancy just so I could get on with life, but for the wrong reasons. I truly didn’t understand what a miracle it was that God chose to save Matthew, and give him to Paul and I to love and care for. I’m sad it has taken 3 years to see Matthew as the miracle he is, and truly appreciate his young life. For me, this really is a GUT-WRENCHING THANKFULNESS, because, it’s true, I really did expect him to be healthy, when something completely different could have resulted in September 2007.

God is softening my heart, showing me things that I’ve never seen before. I know He has a plan for Matthew’s life, I can’t wait to see what it is. Thank you God for giving us Matthew, for his tender heart, his crazy personality, and deep love for others. I pray that I will be able to adequately show him You, and Your love for him. I pray that I will appreciate his life on a daily basis, and never cease to thank You for his life.

Brand new Matthew

My 3 year old miracle

Capturing the Cuteness

As I type this, Matthew is walking around in a diaper, my flip-flops, and one of Paul’s old belts around his shoulder. He told me he needed to get ready for work; he needed to check up on Daddy and see if he needed any help. He then proceeded to get my keys out of my purse and out the door to Ruby, our Tahoe. Too bad Paul took the Tahoe to work today, or else I think Matthew may have just driven off! Instead he tromped around on the front porch with a banana. :) I love seeing Matthew’s imagination at work, like a little window into his mind.

Matthew is turning out to be a typical 3 year old. He definitely has his own opinions, and loves to voice them. I feel like I spend most of my days building his character (I’ll just say that instead of disciplining) but he always finds a way to make me smile at some point in the day. He is still in love with anything technical, especially Paul’s or Papa’s iPhones. Birds & Piggies is his favorite game. We’re still working on potty training, and not getting very far. I just figure he is my late bloomer, and I know that he won’t be wearing diapers when he is 30. (or so I hope!!) :)

Timothy will be 5 months old tomorrow. I feel like I have missed out on the baby stage because he is so big. He is wearing the same size clothes as Matthew did when he was 10 months old. Crazy beans!! Timothy is starting to babble a lot, and is totally in with his big brother. I get woken up in the morning by giggle-fests in the next room over. Timothy is starting to get his first tooth, getting ready for some steak with Papa!

I am wishing I could post some updated pictures of both of them, but my hard drive is full, and I can’t get my camera downloaded…big bummer for this mama!

He makes me giggle!

Just a quick note, because I don’t want to forget…

I love it when Matthew sees Timothy and says “Hi, Boy! Are you happy?”

Seriously, it makes me giggle!