This. Life. It’s messy. That’s all. I used to say, ‘life sucks, then you die’. Not any more. Life is beautiful. We were put on earth to worship. We are creatures that crave worship. But where should our focus of worship be. The Sunday school answer: JESUS!! Oh, to have the simple life of a little one that remembers all we need is Jesus.
Now this post get a little schizophrenic. I have so much on my mind, so I’m hoping I can get my thoughts out clearly. Bare with me.
About a month ago I hit rock bottom (in my own medical opinion) with depression. I am so thankful that it happened to be when the boys were spending some much needed time with Mimi & Papa. But, I had to get talked off the ledge. Would I really hurt myself, or put myself in danger, no; I’m too chicken for that. But I did think everyone would be better off if I just went to sleep and never woke up. Sucks, I know. But that’s what good friends are for, and a spouse, too. I spent the day grocery shopping, balling down EACH AND EVERY ISLE before I realized nothing was going to be accomplished. So I went home and took myself off to bed, and it all went downhill from there. I’m not very good at getting out of my own head. I was convinced that no one wanted to be friends, and I can’t POSSIBLY keep up with the 2 friends that I did have. See… Schizo. Maybe it was the nap, or the very good guttural cry (you know, the kind that makes your ribs hurt), or there were prayers being offered up on my behalf. Or maybe all 3. I don’t know. But I’m on the other side, praying it doesn’t get that bad again.
And speaking of not having friends…
This is totally NOT true, but I have a terrible time telling myself otherwise. I believe the lie that Satan whispers ‘You don’t have anymore energy to put into this friendship’, ‘You can’t always be the one reaching out first. If they were truly your friend, they would reach out to you too’, ‘No one wants to come and sweat out this heat wave in your house’ and such more along those lines. Man, how he gets on my shoulder and whispers away, and how quickly my heart takes to these lies, and treats them like truth. I need Jesus. I need the refreshing breath of HIM blown in my face every nano second of every day!! All this to say, I’m doing my best at combating this enemy. But, I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard. I think I have been trapped in my own little world of grief, that I was willing to believe anything that was whispered, just so I could stay frozen. So I could keep my focus on my immediate situation, and forget the big picture. This was no longer about loosing my baby. But an excuse to desaturate myself from God’s word. I had become frozen-stale. The night before our ultra sound, you know, the dreaded one, Paul and I were meeting with the elders of our church to finish up our membership application, and one of them asked us to share our stories of salvation. I remember CLEARLY saying that I had never had anything happen in my life that would be drastic enough to force me to God. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut?? Ha! But here I am 8 months after a day that brought God so close, I could feel His embrace, holding us up, and I all but ignore Him. I don’t have to be a mess, because I am complete in Him. I realized I am putting unrealistic expectations on myself, that He would never ask of me. All He wants is me. Ugly ‘ol sin laced me. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. This is where that big, nasty, thorny, knotty 2 by 4 comes in. Just today, when I unplugged from EVERYTHING did I realize just how far I had fallen.
Wow. Ouch. BOOM to the side of my head.
I know I can be on the dense side, but really?! Did you have to hit SO hard, and right to the core? REALLY?!
AND on top of all of this, I realized the core reason I can’t seem to loose the baby weight. Self control. There I said it. We live in an instant gratification, and by golly, I want my gratification NOW!! No, maybe a cheeseburger, or that oreo. (MMMMMMMMM) I need the ability to say no. I can’t do it. I crave everything I see that is covered in chocolate, drizzled with cheese, and loaded with bacon.
So, what is the point of this post? I have a new awareness. I’m always telling the boys to be aware of their surroundings. Now it’s my turn. Watch out world. I’m on a mission!